Command squabbling gets out of hand . . . again . . .

Barrett O'Vogtman used to be a happy person. Now, he is not a very happy person. In fact, one could say that he is downright angry with STF and a few of the people in it. Mr. O'Vogtman is at the center of the newest STF Command Controversy, one that mixes the worst element of a semantics debate with the worst element of the so-called GOB and throws in the worst element on the Periodic Table: cesium (Cs), in our opinion. Last week, Vogtman was AWOLed after three days as per Fleet One AWOL Policy rules for a GM. Vogtman protested, saying that he should have been AWOLed not on the third day of his AWOL, but on the fourth day. SNN Headline News refuses to quote from the illicit AWOL policy, since it has been heard so many times before. Vogtman, who was the former GM of the Ogawa, was soon removed as GM by the GMD (you expected the DMV, perhaps?).

The Command squabbling began when Vogtman cited numerous instances when other people who had been AWOL longer than he were not removed from their ships. He soon began to lay blame upon the ever-popular "Good Old Boys Club (Network)," an alleged "secret society" of STF elite that exempt each other from STF rules and regulations and choose each other over non-members for promotions and ship positions. Recently, he personally attacked GMDir Colin McWyers, saying (among other things), "You have a serious ego problem Mr Wyers. Once again your statements lead to the conclusion that we are somehow in this club to make sure you enjoy yourself." After reading this and several other posts, STFians voiced their disapproval at the goings-on in Command. Said a "truly disgusted" Brian O'Moss, "There are weeks that I truly hate this place ... This week has been one of them." STF Kick-da-Prez Seamus Hughes has refused to comment on the situation.

Headline News number-crunchers point out that this is at least the third Command Squabble to hit STF since the beginning of the Hughes administration. The most recent dealt with Vogtman and the DH list, and there was a third that could not be located in the archives (but we know that there was another one!). "At this rate," said Professor Morgan von LeFay of the Glastonbury Institute, "we can expect at least three more crises by the end of the administration. That would surpass the number seen even by former President O'Spurlin!" At press time, Headline News wondered out loud whether or not the future of STF was in petty bureaucracy and name-calling. Does the GOBN exist? If so, who are the members? These are questions that must be asked . . . but not until after the World War II test. We'll have more time then.

Can you smell what the Prez is cooking

STF Kick-da-Cheese Seamus "Me pot o' gold be at the end of the rainbow" Hughes's latest masterpiece, titled Edict #18 and subtitled The Picture of Seamus Hughes, concerns not only the appointment of Ralf "What a way to spell a name" Steen, but also the NMC. It's no secret that Steen was appointed to the position of NMC chairman in the wake of Barret O'Vogtman, but what was a secret was the sorry shape of the New Members Council. Formed by former President Bob O'Spurlin, the NMC was supposed to help the assimilation of New Members into the STF collective consciousness like so many Freedman's Bureaus. Sensing a lull in the activity of the NMC, Hughes mandated in Edict #18, also subtitled A Portrait of the President as a Young Man, that NMC show some significant progress within sixty days or it would be disbanded. Noted STF Vice-President Butch O'Carter, "He really layed the smack down on the NMC."

Old STF Marines never die, they're just disbanded

Responding to a general lack of interest and anything productive, STF Kick-da-Prez Seamus "The Stone of Scone" Hughes disbanded STF's Great Experiment, the Marines. Although FComm-1 Mark O'Wilson could not be reached for comment, experts predicted that he had some hand in the decision to nix the Marines. Those same experts later spontaneously combusted, leaving SNN cub reporter Waylon Jennings Bryan with a frightful mess on his hands. "Only about about half of the 24 rostered Marines seemed to be interested in the situation," said Bryan, who later roused Populists with his "Cross of Pyrite" speech. The Marines suffered a major setback when CO Charley O'Marschall was publicly villified in Command. Marschall later resigned from STF, leaving the Marines without a leader. As per Edict #20, the Marines will officially be gone on April 1st.

Ballway reappears after wandering in desert; claims he will lead Israelites to freedom

The Israelites we refer to are not the convoluted desciples of Israel McHarris, but rather Jews that have been subjugated under the tyrannical hand of one called "Pharoah," also known as Kick-da-Cheese Seamus "Ramses the Lesser-Known Half Brother" Hughes. Fortunately, FComm-2 Mike O'Ballway reappeared in STF last week after at least thirteen days of absence. Armed with a staff that could be turned into a reptile and a beach blanket draped over his shoulders, Ballway proclaimed that he had seen Sisko in the desert. "He gave me this staff and some bottled water and told me that I had to lead these people to freedom. I said, 'Wouldn't it make more sense if I led the Bajorans instead?' He replied, 'No; otherwise the first sentence of this story wouldn't make sense.' I asked him, 'What story?' Then he just looked at me and left. I think he was ticked off." Ballway later succeeded in parting Lake Erie and leading his new friends from enslavement only to be turned back at the border checkpoint, where he could not produce a passport. "I lost it somewhere between Egypt and Shaker Heights," he said.

'Great Pink Fleet' crisis causes palpatations, indigestion

With FComm Mike McBallway out of commission and AFComm Jaret Hargreaves on LOA (and CO Ken Leigh-Smith on LOA), the task of aaFComm fell to one person: Jennifer "Vanilla" O'Schubert. Citing mental instability, Schubert went on an MOTD rampage, adjusting every F2 MOTD until the blue had changed to pink. When it was over, eighteen Civil War-reenacting monkeys were wounded and three others were reported missing. In the follow-up trial, Schubert named as her accomplice FGod-2 Larry O'Garfield, who she claimed told her how to change the MOTDs. Ballway, who was incommunicado on his private island in the North Sea, heard of the incident and was reportedly furious. He vowed to beat Schubert to death with a drinking straw as soon as he got back. A mysterious person, known only as "Mr. Z," altered the Constellation MOTD so that it was blue once again. Police are on the lookout for a man reportedly carrying a carton of Blue Jello [sic] and a crate of Pepsi-Cola.

Barbara Walters is off today

She and H. Simon Gregory ran off to the pub on the 17th floor of SNN Center. They have not been seen since. Both are presumed armed and intoxicated.

H. Simon Gregory is off today

Since it is (or was) St. Patrick's Day, H. Simon Gregory is in a bar somewhere. When he sobers up, look for his column in the next issue.

How dry we are

After a steady month of nothing but green beer, Headline News is pleased to announce that it no longer bears any hosility toward anyone. In fact, we're downright happy people -- so happy, in fact, that we gave H. Simon Gregory the day off. Isn't that wonderful? He'll thank us later (unless he doesn't, which he probably won't). Though our St. Patrick's Day issue was a little short and a little long in the making, we think that you'll enjoy it so much that you'll give us a reward. That's right; a reward for entertaining you. But then again, this might be the green beer still talking.

As usual, Headline News remains true to its 80 proof motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. This motto is approximately 30% synthehol by volume. Your mileage may vary, of course.

The next issue -- the very next issue -- is the long-awaited Headline News 50th Issue Extravaganza! You thought it couldn't get any better after the 25th issue party, but no; this is much better. The 50th Issue Extravaganza chronicles the rise of Headline News from its beginnings as a lowly periodical to some point in the future when it stops being a lowly periodical (we haven't quite made it there yet). Look for it in stores sometime around April. It's been in the making since January, so expect something so mind-boggingly amazing that you might actually laugh at some of the awful jokes. At least, we hope you'll laugh at the awful jokes this time.

Send questions, comments, or concerns (no critcisms, please; they make us drink and get into fights) to the News Chief.

News Chief: Mark O'Wilson
Staff Columnist: H. Simon McGregory
Bringer of Catholicism to Ireland: St. Patrick

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